When I first thought I might be pregnant, Roger and I went to our local Publix to buy a pregnancy test. We figured now was not the time to be cheap, so we passed on the generic brands. We were surprised to see that every test came in packs of 2 or more. Did people buy these tests in bulk? Why would I need more than one stick to pee on? But we eventually just bought a 2-pack and headed home.
Fortunately the tests these days actually say “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant” so I didn’t need a legend to understand my result. I tore open the box, did the deed, set the stick on the counter, and washed my hands. I looked back and said, “Oh wow!” Almost immediately the stick said “Pregnant!” I’d planned to bring the stick out of the bathroom so Roger and I could watch the result appear together, but apparently I had super pregnant pee because the result popped up in record time. I showed it to Roger with a smile on my face and then briefly wondered whether I should keep the stick for my scrapbook.
I said briefly wondered.
Roger snapped a picture of the stick for me instead. Always thinking, that one.
Later, when I was home alone, I peed on the second stick to make sure the first test wasn’t a fluke. I was still pregnant and now knew why pregnancy tests come in multi-packs. Just barely a mom and already learning!
Soon after, we headed to the doctor’s office, eagerly anticipating a look at our peanut-shaped baby. But the ultrasound didn’t show signs that I was pregnant. The doctor started telling us things like, “You may have miscounted the days so you’re really just too early along to see anything,” and—this was a much worse statement—”this may just be a failed pregnancy, a very early miscarriage.”
I was crushed. How could I not be pregnant? Even more so, I was surprised by how crushed I was. Sure, I was excited at the thought of being pregnant, but I wasn’t ready to buy a crib or research baby monitors. I actually had a lump in my throat though while the doctor explained to me how this kind of stuff happens all the time and doesn’t mean I can’t get pregnant (a train of thought I had not considered until he suggested it—thank you Dr. Pessimist). I didn’t care about that stuff though. All I heard was “you’re not pregnant,” and it opened a hole in my heart that was not there before.
And that’s when I knew how much I wanted to be a mom.